Replying to LO24294 --
Dear AT:
You stated:
> If unlearning implies that we can do without wholeness, then this
> unlearning cannot be constructive. Removing a painful experience which
> bars any further learning and then not paying further attention to the
> removed "painful experience" is not wholesome. That "painful experience"
> will just wander around in the mind until it connects with another shadowy
> experience so as to become a barrier to learning again. Unless someone can
> prove to me that experiences are reversible so that they can pop out as
> easily as they have become part of us. It can sometimes take many decades
> for that hurting experience to connect at the right place so that healing
> and hence peace can come.
I would like to suggest to you that "Removing a painful experience" does
not necessarily "bar any further learning." Moreover, I'm not sure that
it is "not wholesome" in all situations.
Consider the following. As a child our parents either ignore us, or
criticize us, or hit us, or do something else that we experience as
emotionally or physically abusive. As human beings, we are always looking
for the meaning of what happens to us. So, unconsciously, we conclude
that I'm worthless, or no one cares about me, or people can't be trusted,
or some such. We hold this conclusion to be a fact. We have learned it.
As an adult we might, through psychotherapy or just inner awareness,
realize that our beliefs do not make logical sense, that they are
self-defeating, that they lead to upset and other negative behavior, etc.
We even can remember what happened to us as a child that led us to these
beliefs. None of this, however, usually will eliminate the beliefs.
Knowing cognitively that they aren't true will not get rid of the deep
inner sense that they are.
I suggest that we can "unlearn" our childhood learning. How? The basic
principle is that events have no inherent meaning. They are just events.
All meaning is in our minds. We attribute meaning to events -- that we
think is inherent in the events. It seemed to us as a child that every
time mom and dad did whatever they did, we could "see" that we weren't
good enough, or that people couldn't be trusted, etc. It's almost as if
you could say: Morty, if you were there with me watching me interact with
my parents, you also would "see" that I'm not good enough, etc.
But you never saw the meaning. You only saw events. By going back to the
events and realizing that the meaning was only in your mind, you "unlearn"
what you had learned as a child. The events will never change, but you
can eliminate the meaning you gave to the events. I like to tell parents:
The bad news is that what you do is the model on which your children will
form the beliefs that will run their lives. The good news is that nothing
you DO has any impact on your child after the events; what does affect
your children is the meaning they give to the events and the meaning can
always be "unlearned."
Experiences are not reversible. Meanings attributed to experiences are.
And when they are, that
>"painful experience" no longer
> wanders around in the mind until it connects with another shadowy
> experience so as to become a barrier to learning again."
I say this not as a theory I'm proposing, but as something I and my
associates have done thousands of times successfully. Beliefs/meanings
that people formed as a child have been eliminated ("unlearned")
permanently and totally by adults in their 70s, in less than an hour.
If you or anyone else says: That can't be done, I would reply that that is
a belief that is based on your experience of trying to change behavior or
eiminate beliefs. You've never seen that beliefs can't be eliminated in a
matter of minutes. You might have seen yourself and others struggle
unsuccessfully to permanently and completely eliminate beliefs, but that
it can't be done is the meaning that has been attributed to the events.
> In my own life I know of one as a 5 year old kid which took almost thirty
> years to heal and several close to twenty years before they healed. I even
> tried telling myself that I understood those longevity experiences wrongly
> and that I rather should have interpreted them otherwise. The trouble was
> that those who were responsible for these experiences, were very, very
> clear in their intention. Telling myself that their intentions were
> different and thus that I can forget these hurting experiences was merely
> me trying to lie to myself. It did not help.
I don't mean to minimize the pain that you experienced as a 5 year old.
But let's assume the worst: the people involved consciously and
deliberately did things to harm you. That was painful when it happened.
I'd like to suggest that the old events or even the motivation of the
people involved are not causing you pain today. The pain today is being
caused by the meaning you attributed to the events. The events are long
gone and are not affecting you. The meaning is still here and is
affecting you. If the meaning was eliminated/unlearned, your experience
of the events would change dramatically. What does it mean that .....? >
> What helped in each case were three things. (1) I had to incorporate
each > such a hurting experiences into a constructive task. (2) I had to >
understand why those people had these intentions. (3) I had to forgive >
these people for the hurt which they have caused me.
This may be one way to deal with this type of childhood situation that may
be effective. There is another way.
By the way, the method I suggest not only allows you to unlearn
dysfunctional/undesirable meanings, it also facilitates you into an
altered state of consciousness in which you have the profound experience
that you are more than the creation called At. If you formed the beliefs
that in turn determine your behavior and feelings, then in a very real
sense you create the creation called At. You experience yourself as the
creator of your life, not as the story called At's life. This is an
experience of "wholeness" in which you experience yourself as all of it,
as the source of all of it.
Thank you for your personal sharing.
Regards, Morty
Morty Lefkoe
For information about the Decision Maker(R) Institute or
Re-create Your Life: Transforming Yourself and Your World
contact: morty@decisionmaker.com or visit www.decisionmaker.com
--"Morty Lefkoe" <morty@decisionmaker.com>
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