Ben
> The bottom line is I don't trust other people.
I sometimes trust people, and sometimes not. I trust each person in some
situations and not in others. The difference is usually as much about me
as the other person.
The question of trust comes up only in situations where I am somehow
dependent on another person's performance or honesty. As far as I can
tell, my dependence always comes from my own needs. Any time I don't
trust someone, part of what is going on is that I have chosen to need
something the other person can influence or control. My need is about me.
And in many cases, I can choose whether to allow the other person control
of satisfying that need.
I will trust a person who I am confident will perform in a way that
satisfies the need. I have a harder time trusting under two conditions.
The first is that I am not confident that the person will satisfy the
need. Second is that I can not handle the consequences if the person does
not satisfy the need.
So, some of my decision about trusting is about the other person, about
whether they will perform in a way that satisfies my need. The rest of
the decision is about me:
- my need
- my choice to become dependent on the other person's performance
- my expectations about the person's performance
- my ability to handle the consequences of poor performance
I've found that I can trust people more when I take a good look at the
consequences I expect. What is the worst that could happen? What is the
best that could happen? What is most likely? Sometimes, when I take a
close look at my fears, they aren't so fearful.
Another way I can increase my trust is to know that whatever happens, I
can handle it. In other words, this part is about trusting myself.
I like something Roger Harrison said in his book Consultant's Journey:
"The amount of risk you should take is the amount that, if your trust is
betrayed, will leave you willing and able to risk again."
> Unfortunately there is much about how our society functions that deters us
> from engaging in dialog. I remember as a teenager being told by my
> teachers to "stop misbehaving." They never inquired into what I was doing,
> or why I was doing it. They just pronounced my behavior as "wrong" and
> demanded that I stop. Parents often do the same thing (at least I've
> caught myself doing it). What this says to a child, I believe, is what you
> are doing, thinking, or feeling, is not as important as what I'm telling
> you ( or what I'm expecting of you). The result is that many of us learn
> not to share our true feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. Instead we become
> expert at saying what other people want to hear, and doing what other
> people want.
***snip ***
> The tragedy is that the full intelligence and ability of people is seldom
> harnassed when they're not able to fully express themselves at work.
Yes -- at work and in the rest of their lives. That is why Virginia
Satir wrote about The Five Freedoms:
- The freedom to see and hear what is here, instead of what was, should
be, or will be
- The freedom to think and feel what I do, instead of what I should
- The freedom to say what I think and feel, instead of what I ought
- The freedom to ask for what I want, instead of always waiting for
permission
- The freedom to take risks in my own behalf, instead of choosing to
always be "safe" and not rock the boat
In exercising these freedoms, we reconnect with the power that we learned
to give up in order to cope with people on whom we depended when we were
small.
My colleagues Norm Kerth and Wayne Strider have developed a sixth freedom
that applies in work (or other group) situations:
- The freedom to comment on whether I feel safe exercising my freedoms
Regards,
Dale
--Dale H. Emery -- Collaborative Consultant High Performance for Software Development Projects E-mail: dale@dhemery.com Web: http://www.dhemery.com
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