I chuckled ruefully at Jane's comments about "you should," in part
because I have so often stifled discussion and consideration of options by
phrasing them as "You should
daughter, who as regularly reminded me that she wasn't interested in my
directing her as to what to do. On reflection, what I really meant most
often was, "Have you considered
see, I was leaning on her all too parentally (considering that she's a
highly competent adult, now 28) when what she was looking for was a
sounding board.
I very well may think that she SHOULD do X, knowing what little I
do of her complex situation, because X is what I think I would do. Yet she
knows much more about both her situation and preferences, and, if past
success is any indication, will do a superb job of managing her life. The
dilemma, for me, is that I've come to recognize and acknowledge that young
people - children - do need guidance, and more of it than was quite
correct when I was raising her. But simultaneously, adults and even
competent kids need space and encouragement to make good decisions.
Discussion helps this, but "shoulds" may very well derail the very
exchange in which opinion might be offered, identified for what it is,
without the weight of "my way or the highway" that "should" imposes.
I'm reminded about that psychiatrist's advice, not to "should" on
ourselves (or competent others).
Sam
Mariann Jelinek
Richard C. Kraemer Professor of Business
Graduate School of Business The only enduring competitive
College of William and Mary advantage comes from changing
P.O. Box 8795 the rules
of the game.
Williamsburg, VA 23187-8795
--mxjeli@facstaff.wm.edu (Mariann Jelinek)
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