..... Living an authentic life is great and very
>> difficult in itself, however, your message challenges me to go the next
> step. Once I have stripped myself of all pretense, bared by soul and laid
> my heart on the table for all the world to see, then I must be okay with
> any response that others might have.
>
> Do we humans really ever get to that point? .....I guess I can
> accept that the person who rejects me simply isn't on the same plane as me
> and I'd much rather be rejected than have the person fake acceptance. Any
> suggestions on how to continue working on this?
>
> Roxanne Abbas
Well, Roxanne, I must say I really admire your sincerity and passion for
growth. The questions you ask are similar to questions I often ask myself.
So, do we ever get to "that point"? Perhaps. Some have. How long? Maybe
10,000 years. It doesn't matter. I like to believe that the journey is the
means AND the end. I think it's important to keep that in mind and not
worry about where we're going. Just practice. And as far as suggestions on
working on this go, I think the answer is even simpler: observe yourself
and SHARE SHARE SHARE yourself. Observe the ways you use
intellectualizing, humor, withdrawal, or whatever, to avoid intimacy. NO
JUDGING YOURSELF, either!!
Take intellectualizing, for example. . There are so many psychological and
other theories out there. I love to read those theories (Jung, Perls, and
a gazillion others), compare them, learn from them, etc. But what
difference does all that make in terms of being intimate with others?
Other than to serve as motivation, not much. Sometimes I will even use
psychological or spiritual "knowledge" as a way of avoiding intimacy.
Rather than share my own fears, joys, passions, sadnesses, etc, sometimes
I'll resort to lofty quotes and ramblings about what some "expert" said.
"According to Jung (or Rogers or Ram Dass or.....) Whatever. Even talking
about intimacy: rather than be intimate, it's easier to theorize about
it! That's one of the things us humans do!
I remember once when someone I was in love with broke up with me. I was
naturally very sad about it. My mom came over to visit and she wanted to
talk about it. Well, rather than really share myself, I mostly told
stories about it. I even threw in a couple of thoughts from books I had
read about dealing with grief. In short, I was not authentically sharing
my hurt. I was talking around it. Then something extraordinary happened. I
was in the middle of some sentence about how "everything happens for a
reason" when she softly said "It hurts doesn't it". I stopped breathing,
my lips trembled, and I started sobbing for minutes. All I could say at
that point is how much I loved and missed my x-girlfriend. My mom just
listened. That's intimacy.
Enough rambling. My point is this: If you want intimacy, learn to share
yourself. Want to know how to do that? Observe yourself. Observe the ways
you avoid being authentic. Don't judge it. It's ok to avoid. Just observe.
And make a choice: Share or not share.
Cheers!!
--Kevin Shadix kpshadix@randomc.com
The important thing is are you willing to give up who you are for what you could be? ~ Rene Dubois
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