Suzanne your contribution touched my sensitivities also. May I share some
of my experiences to this thread?
You wrote....
>The big problems it has caused are with other people who have been in my
>life for a very long time.
>
>I have to admit that I have been riding the fence on verbalizing my core
>beliefs with many of the issues that have necessarily surfaced because of
>this relationship. <Snip> In my attempt to 'live gently' with others, as Don
>would say, I have often chosen to stay quiet when I would hear things that
>upset me inside, for example a racial comment when my partner wasn't
>around.
In a number of cases I have been insensitive to my comments' effects on
friends and colleagues. I sometimes do not perceive that my comments or
actions offend the sensibility of people I think I know. I have offended
my own daughters with gender or generation insensitive remarks. I have
not walked in their shoes therefore I cannot know their culture. Yes, I
mean culture. However much we in America want to believe that we have one
culture I don't believe it is the same. I have not lived in a black skin,
the remark I think is benign may well be insulting to my black friend.
Friends and daughters have caused me to change some behavior and some of
my expression. I am in their debt for they spoke up and pointed out the
misstep and why they react differently to the comment or action.
We, the insensitive ones, will never learn without the help of you who are
living in cultures different from ours. I once sat with a black man whom
I respected greatly and suggested that I change a job transfer from a
southern US city to a northern one so that he wouldn't have to face the
discrimination. He taught me a real lesson when he said that he would
rather go to the southern city because there he knew what the rules were.
Up north he said that the rules were hidden and when enforced suddenly
they hurt his family more.
>In my mind I was being tolerant, and sometimes I was confused on
>ho w to react and wondered if I was not being over-sensitive. I did not
>want to offend others and I have been genuinely afraid of losing family
>members and old close friends.
Yes this is a risk. You are testing the extent of the love of friends and
family. But love should accept and celebrate who you are, not who the
other thinks you should be. Is it not better to allow your family and
friends to declare their position and then enter into a dialog with them?
>..Snip... finding a place where true communication is intimate
>and real but also constructive, is almost impossible in my experience.
Have you tried the LO Fieldbook dialog techniques. While they may not
cause a change in race attitudes in your friends and family they at least
allow non-threatening dialog. Even if the person you are talking to does
not know the technique I find that climbing up and down the ladder of
inference is helpful to me and my conversational partner.
..Big snip..
>It seems to me that 'truth' has a way of always wanting to emerge no
>matter what you do. Sometimes it creates unity, sometimes it forces
>confrontation, but I still believe 'the truth shall set you free', even if
>first it makes you miserable :-).
I agree with all my being, but be gentle with those of us who have not
walked in your shoes as you reveal the truth to us.
Sincerely
Bill Hobler
--"William J. Hobler, Jr" <bhobler@worldnet.att.net>
Learning-org -- Hosted by Rick Karash <rkarash@karash.com> Public Dialog on Learning Organizations -- <http://www.learning-org.com>