Roxanne,
> We can't share our feelings if we don't recognize our feelings. Carl Jung
> talked about the importance of recognizing our dark side. If we've been
> taught from early childhood that we shouldn't feel jealous or angry, we
> may be suppressing and ignoring these emotions. But I have found that
> even when I do admit to myself that I feel hurt or angry, I feel that my
> friends have enough of their own problems without having to listen to me
> whine. I guess I also think that they want to maintain an image of me as
> being above these petty emotions. Maybe, in reality, it's that I want
> them to help me maintain this image of myself. And perhaps by talking
> through how I feel and beginning to understand why I feel that way, I can
> begin to grow beyond this point so these situations won't bother me as
> much in the future.
>
> Does any of this rambling make sense?
It all makes sense.
The first step here, I think, is to become aware of yourself. You've
already done that in two ways. First by recognizing that you feel these
emotions, and second by noticing how you treat yourself for feeling
them.
The second step is acceptance. Virginia Satir said that the way we treat
our feelings is crucial in how effectively we deal with the world. First
we feel something: angry, jealous, proud, elated, or whatever. Then we
have a feeling about the feeling. "Is it okay for me to feel this?" If
it's okay, we can respond congruently: "I'm angry at you."
When it is not okay to feel what we feel, we go into our defenses. We try
to deny what we're feeling, or ignore it, or project our feelings onto
others (perhaps "I guess I also think that they want to maintain an image
of me as being above these petty emotions" is an example?). We respond in
some way other than speaking directly about our feelings. But the feelings
leak through anyway, and confuse our message.
One way I deal with puzzling or troubling feelings is to imagine that some
part of me is sending the feeling as a message. Then I ask myself, "What
positive intention does this part have for me?" I almost always get an
answer, and when I do, it always makes sense. The feeling is sometimes a
"mistake," but it always comes from a good intention. Once I know the
purpose, I can usually figure out a way to achieve it. And I always feel
better about the feeling.
Regards,
Dale
--Dale H. Emery -- Collaborative Consultant High Performance for Software Development Projects E-mail: dale@dhemery.com Web: http://www.dhemery.com
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