>...I have now been in a relationship for 4 years with a man from another
>race, culture and religion and this has created a number of communication
>problems that I have found very challenging. . . overall it has been
>incredible in deepening my knowledge of myself and of the larger world
>around me. It has also made me take a new look at my core beliefs and how
>deeply I hold them...
As an OD professional and someone who has had multiple interracial
relationships while standing his spiritual ground and who has also
step-fathered five troubled children, I have learned that silence can
become golden when you work to process the personal issues behind the lump
left in your throat, the knot in your gut and the pain in your chest.
What struck me in the above comments was the reference to integrity and
authenticity and how they have to be part of our social being as well as
our individual being. There is no doubt in my mind that these are key in
not only keeping true communication open, but also in being able to live
comfortably with yourself.
On Candid Camera I once saw an individual on whom they had played a prank
state, when told the purpose of the prank was to test the goodness of his
nature, "I don't let anyone rent space in my head." I believe this is an
elegant statement about learning through resistance to negative
programming. Living comfortably with yourself has to do with how you live
with yourself than it does with how you live with others.
. . . What I felt would fade with time has only become more pronounced. I
have thus come to the conclusion that it is important to be upfront,
albeit tolerant and cautious, in communications with others. Yes, there
are risks, but there are also risks in hiding behind insecurities or
fears. Especially when it comes to core beliefs, there should be
congruence between what is felt inside and what is verbalized outside, or
it creates a state of dissonance in the soul (something that I have found
to be more unbearable than rejection!). It seems to me that 'truth' has a
way of always wanting to emerge no matter what you do. Sometimes it
creates unity, sometimes it forces confrontation, but I still believe 'the
truth shall set you free', even if first it makes you miserable :-).
When I was younger, I stood my ground and did whatever I wanted so long as
it hurt no one - directly. In retrospect, I see that standing your ground
can be belligerent when it impacts the mores and beliefs of others. When
this happens, people strike out against what does not fit, what they don't
understand, what they believe is not right, correct, moral, etc. They do
what they have been taught. They exercise the cultural learning in which
they live. They attempt to blow you away, down, off in any way they can.
Cultural learnings are like the influences that create prairie winds.
Their strength and power depend on the environmental conditions and
direction and terrain from which they come. Their effect depends on the
terrain and its features with respect to their distance from the point of
origin. You may be reminded of the oft' told story of the reed and the
oak. The slender reed does not stand its ground but rather bends
gracefully before the mighty wind that breaks or blows over the sturdy
oak. It takes great strength of limb and deeply planted roots in well
packed soil to stand before a strong wind alone. Oaks that grow alone
stand the best chance of survival as they have grown from acorns learning
to stand the test of the mightiest winds in their local area. Those oaks
that grow in wooded thickets and are then cleared of their protective
shield stand little chance of prolonged survival unless properly wired and
propped. Meanwhile the reed only grows with other reeds in suitable earth.
When the earth becomes unsuitable, reeds die while oaks can withstand
great variations in the soil and weather conditions.
So, one must take their heritage and upbringing as well as the strength of
their connections and their resilience into consideration when considering
their response to the "untoward" acts of others. They must also consider
how far out of their "ground" they are and the strength of the "wind"
blowing at them. All in all, I believe I agree with Don's comment:
Don Dwiggins writes
"By living with others, we accept a certain degree of limitation on our
words and actions. In this context, integrity and authenticity have to be
part of our social being (and becoming) as well as our individual being
(and becoming). (I use the word "we" in a literal as well as literary
sense: I too have been struggling with the apparent paradox of "living
gently" with others while serving my own core needs and values. In
particular, it's led to a constant reworking of my relationships with my
spouse and children.) "
I had not yet learned this before I alienated my family by doing the
"right things." I have only begun to regain favor with them fifteen years
later, a very strong wind and many broken and battered branches later.
Last year I found my biological family (adopted at five) and learned that
inter-racial relationships are common place and non-trauma inducing. Go
figure! As a result, and this may not be the forum, I am interested in
the genetic component of behavior, learning and communication. Anyone
interested in pursuing this please send stories, comments etc. directly to
me if you would like to see them published in a book I am working on
regarding the topic.
Daniel Latch
President, Prime Performance
dlatch@adsnet.com or dlatch@yahoo.com
--Daniel Latch <dlatch@adsnet.com>
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