I too relish the experience of "connecting" with other people at a deeper
level, and I frequently find such experiences to be the highlight of my
day -- when they do occur. It may just be a 3-minute hallway conversation
with a co-worker, talking over lunch with a mentor, or a phone call to a
good friend, but somehow it happens: we are authentic with each other and
fully present for each other. I enjoy such moments, and I wonder what I
can do to have more of them.
A mental 'filter' I have used when thinking about levels of intimacy
(almost identical to the one described by Roxanne in LO18639, attributed
to Alan Cohen) contains five levels: cliche, fact, opinion, feeling, need.
The difficulty, risk and reward of communicating at each level vary
proportionately. I cannot get to the deeper levels unless I am aware of my
feelings and have the courage to share them with others. My needs reveal
my weaknesses yet also contain the secret to loving me. And why am I
afraid to tell you who I am (i.e., the truth about what I am really like
and what my true needs are)? Paraphrasing John Powell, it's "because if I
tell you who I am, and you don't like me, it's all I've got."
So what I can do to create the conditions in which intimacy can occur
include knowing myself and understanding my feelings and needs, having the
courage to reveal more of myself to others, as well as accepting others so
they feel safe in revealing themselves to me. Invariably one of the
feelings that keeps me from opening myself up is fear -- fear of what
others will think, fear of rejection, fear of not being appreciated and
valued and loved in return.
While I usually think of this topic as it pertains to interpersonal
relationships, friendships and personal growth, I also believe it has
direct application to customer-supplier relations, cummunity building, and
becoming a LO.
Customer satisfaction is not just about keeping the customer happy
(feelings) but also about meeting customer needs -- even needs which
customers themselves may not be fully aware they have. The best sales
people are skilled listeners who are highly empathic with the needs of
others. And if marketing is helping others value greatly what you do, then
customer intimacy requires the ability to have honest communication with
them about their needs.
I also think of M. Scott Peck's four stages of community. If we think of
the fourth stage -- true community -- as a form of intimacy, then the path
to intimacy involves "emptying." As I accept my own condition and take
responsibility for my problems, and as I make myself vulnerable to others
and tell the story of my hurt and pain -- I invite others to "empty" as
well. A friend of mine pointed out, though, that as a few people begin
emptying, others are still in "chaos," denying that they have any problems
or blaming others for them. So if I find the courage to reveal my real
needs to others, I need to be prepared that others may very well feel
threatened by me.
For me, this is where courage comes in, and I've come to believe that
courage is one of the primary ingredients in personal mastery. If I'm
going to feel connected to others at a deeper level or serve customers
better or build community, I need to be able to tell the truth to myself
and others about what's really going on inside me and how I perceive
what's going on in our relationship. I can do that in a way that doesn't
blame others (although they may choose to perceive it that way) but
communicates my acceptance of them and the situation. Even if others don't
choose to deepen the level of communication, I still respect them, and at
least I've opened the door for them in the future.
Jim Ulrich, PhD
Manager, Executive and Organizational Development
Tellabs, Inc.
Jim.Ulrich@tellabs.com
"The world is full of things which no one, by any chance, will ever
see." -- Sherlock Holmes
--Jim Ulrich <Jim_Ulrich@tellabs.com>
Learning-org -- Hosted by Rick Karash <rkarash@karash.com> Public Dialog on Learning Organizations -- <http://www.learning-org.com>